Looking for some advice on how to handle an odd situation, but I also fully expect a ton of smartassery so fire away.
Here's the situation, and be aware that it's 100% middle school drama.... And also be aware that I know it's all very minor, but for whatever reason it just won't go away. My questioning of how to handle it is based mostly on the fact that the situation keeps dragging on. My son, my wife and even grandma are fairly bent out of shape about it all in some form or another and I just want an amicable and prompt resolution.
Short version: Or 8th grade son is being unjustly punished for something he didn't do, but it involves the child of an administrator so it's a tricky situation. It's all fairly mild (both the punishment and the crime), but we don't want his reputation among staff to be tarnished and want to make sure he's being punished for the right reasons, which we aren't sure is the case. We have no experience dealing with administration as our kids have been model citizens.
Very Long version: Our 8th grade son's best friend did something very very mildly inappropriate with his girlfriend. The friend shared the story with my son and the girlfriend shared the story with my son's girlfriend. It made our son a bit uncomfortable and he decided to approach the girl and tell her to maybe take things a little slower and definitely not tell people about it because people might think something worse happened and it could be bad for her reputation. (My son is friends with this girl and they're a very tight group of 4 kids. He wanted to tell the boy, but figured he'd be ridiculed for his stance, which is likely true and even understandable coming from 14 year old boys). They're all going through puberty and very dumb, per the usual for middle school kids, and we like to try to let our son navigate stuff like this on his own as much as possible so he can learn first hand, but we do try to provide guidance and perspective as well so he has some foundation to work from.
The small problem (which we've dealt with) is, 1) he should have approached his male friend instead of the girlfriend regardless of the assumed response and 2) he should have done it privately and not in algebra class.... The bigger problem is that the rumor mill blew it up and this girl is the principal's daughter so there are real consequences that wouldn't exist were this any other kid in school.
This conversation was apparently no big deal when it happened, but it was overheard by others in class and then openly discussed by the girl and boy with friends. Before the end of the day the difference between what actually happened between this other couple and what the rumors were was pretty drastic. The rumor was not great. Girl ends up getting upset and going to her mother (the principal) and my son ends up being blamed for the whole thing. He's very adamant that he said nothing inappropriate, didn't participate in spreading the rumor and he's about as stand up of a kid as you could imagine. Plus this other couple consist of his best friend since 2nd grade and a girl he's been good friends with for a few years now. He has zero motive to spread rumors about them and has consistently assured us that his intent was quite the opposite. He has a pretty mild punishment of 3 lunch detentions and no phone at school for 3 days. No big deal and we've had several discussions with him about how he can learn from this and change his perspectives and the way he approaches similar situations in the future. It seemed a bit excessive to us, but still mild in general and a good lesson for him so we've been ok with it.
But yesterday when discussing this with him yet again, and after getting some info from some adult friends who work at the school, we've found out that the principal believes our son started the bad version of the rumor and perpetuated it. Not only would that be the most out of character things he's ever done, but nobody outside of the daughter has corroborated that and this seems to be the basis for his punishment ... it also seems an awful lot like damage control on the part of the mother. Throw my kid under the bus with a punishment that's almost too mild to protest and that absolves her daughter of any wrongdoing ("it was clearly a rumor, look, there's even a kid in detention for it") and removes any negative perception of her as a parent (and administrator) of a kid who made a questionable decision.
My question is, do we just leave it alone or do I call for a meeting just to clear the air? More than anything I don't want my son's reputation to suffer over something that he didn't even do. He's a fantastic kid by every account and has never been in trouble for anything ever before. He's in NJHS, Student Council president for the 3rd or 4th time, plays 5 different sports, volunteers with his old elementary school in the summer, etc. He would even spend a few minutes before school every day chatting up this principal at the drop-off line and they have been on very good terms his entire time in middle school. She's even taken him to do social stuff with their friend group and our 11 year old is good friends with this woman's other daughter. He's our oldest and between him and his sister the only time we've ever had any interaction with any administrators or teachers is when we've been called to let us know something GOOD one of them has done. Literally zero problems ever. So we have no idea how to handle it. It's possibly a big nothing burger for anyone on the outside looking in, but I'm biased and inexperienced so it seems significant to me.
So what to do:
What I want to do is go up there and tell her to back the **** off and completely remove herself from the situation because of the clear conflict of interest, request an apology for her sharing this untrue story about my son with other adults within the school (seems odd that he's in trouble for "spreading rumors" and the principal is openly discussing it with other adults who have nothing to do with the situation) and end the punishment. But that's a purely emotional response, 100% overkill and wouldn't go well in many different ways so it's off the table.
Reasonably what I'd like to do is just speak with her and/or the VP, make sure they're aware that our son did not intentionally start or perpetuate the rumors but know that he's sorry for his part in the ordeal and is willing to finish out the punishment because he's not at zero fault here. And also maybe try to make sure this doesn't have a reaching impact on his friendships and the sister's friendships as far as the adults are concerned. Kids can figure out their social issues on their own.
Alternatively, it's his last year in middle school and the VP assured us that they're viewing this as a one time event where he made a bad decision and it won't impact the way he's viewed or treated going forward... so we can just continue to have discussions with him and help him get through the social issues that have come along with it (this girl and his best friend are now mad at him and not talking to him even though they're both aware he didn't spread the rumor. the younger kids seem insulated from it completely so that should be fine, but who knows) and just let the whole thing slide. The kids will likely recover quickly as some new bit of drama unfolds in the coming days or weeks and it'll probably be like nothing ever happened fairly soon. Lessons learned, move on.
Here's the situation, and be aware that it's 100% middle school drama.... And also be aware that I know it's all very minor, but for whatever reason it just won't go away. My questioning of how to handle it is based mostly on the fact that the situation keeps dragging on. My son, my wife and even grandma are fairly bent out of shape about it all in some form or another and I just want an amicable and prompt resolution.
Short version: Or 8th grade son is being unjustly punished for something he didn't do, but it involves the child of an administrator so it's a tricky situation. It's all fairly mild (both the punishment and the crime), but we don't want his reputation among staff to be tarnished and want to make sure he's being punished for the right reasons, which we aren't sure is the case. We have no experience dealing with administration as our kids have been model citizens.
Very Long version: Our 8th grade son's best friend did something very very mildly inappropriate with his girlfriend. The friend shared the story with my son and the girlfriend shared the story with my son's girlfriend. It made our son a bit uncomfortable and he decided to approach the girl and tell her to maybe take things a little slower and definitely not tell people about it because people might think something worse happened and it could be bad for her reputation. (My son is friends with this girl and they're a very tight group of 4 kids. He wanted to tell the boy, but figured he'd be ridiculed for his stance, which is likely true and even understandable coming from 14 year old boys). They're all going through puberty and very dumb, per the usual for middle school kids, and we like to try to let our son navigate stuff like this on his own as much as possible so he can learn first hand, but we do try to provide guidance and perspective as well so he has some foundation to work from.
The small problem (which we've dealt with) is, 1) he should have approached his male friend instead of the girlfriend regardless of the assumed response and 2) he should have done it privately and not in algebra class.... The bigger problem is that the rumor mill blew it up and this girl is the principal's daughter so there are real consequences that wouldn't exist were this any other kid in school.
This conversation was apparently no big deal when it happened, but it was overheard by others in class and then openly discussed by the girl and boy with friends. Before the end of the day the difference between what actually happened between this other couple and what the rumors were was pretty drastic. The rumor was not great. Girl ends up getting upset and going to her mother (the principal) and my son ends up being blamed for the whole thing. He's very adamant that he said nothing inappropriate, didn't participate in spreading the rumor and he's about as stand up of a kid as you could imagine. Plus this other couple consist of his best friend since 2nd grade and a girl he's been good friends with for a few years now. He has zero motive to spread rumors about them and has consistently assured us that his intent was quite the opposite. He has a pretty mild punishment of 3 lunch detentions and no phone at school for 3 days. No big deal and we've had several discussions with him about how he can learn from this and change his perspectives and the way he approaches similar situations in the future. It seemed a bit excessive to us, but still mild in general and a good lesson for him so we've been ok with it.
But yesterday when discussing this with him yet again, and after getting some info from some adult friends who work at the school, we've found out that the principal believes our son started the bad version of the rumor and perpetuated it. Not only would that be the most out of character things he's ever done, but nobody outside of the daughter has corroborated that and this seems to be the basis for his punishment ... it also seems an awful lot like damage control on the part of the mother. Throw my kid under the bus with a punishment that's almost too mild to protest and that absolves her daughter of any wrongdoing ("it was clearly a rumor, look, there's even a kid in detention for it") and removes any negative perception of her as a parent (and administrator) of a kid who made a questionable decision.
My question is, do we just leave it alone or do I call for a meeting just to clear the air? More than anything I don't want my son's reputation to suffer over something that he didn't even do. He's a fantastic kid by every account and has never been in trouble for anything ever before. He's in NJHS, Student Council president for the 3rd or 4th time, plays 5 different sports, volunteers with his old elementary school in the summer, etc. He would even spend a few minutes before school every day chatting up this principal at the drop-off line and they have been on very good terms his entire time in middle school. She's even taken him to do social stuff with their friend group and our 11 year old is good friends with this woman's other daughter. He's our oldest and between him and his sister the only time we've ever had any interaction with any administrators or teachers is when we've been called to let us know something GOOD one of them has done. Literally zero problems ever. So we have no idea how to handle it. It's possibly a big nothing burger for anyone on the outside looking in, but I'm biased and inexperienced so it seems significant to me.
So what to do:
What I want to do is go up there and tell her to back the **** off and completely remove herself from the situation because of the clear conflict of interest, request an apology for her sharing this untrue story about my son with other adults within the school (seems odd that he's in trouble for "spreading rumors" and the principal is openly discussing it with other adults who have nothing to do with the situation) and end the punishment. But that's a purely emotional response, 100% overkill and wouldn't go well in many different ways so it's off the table.
Reasonably what I'd like to do is just speak with her and/or the VP, make sure they're aware that our son did not intentionally start or perpetuate the rumors but know that he's sorry for his part in the ordeal and is willing to finish out the punishment because he's not at zero fault here. And also maybe try to make sure this doesn't have a reaching impact on his friendships and the sister's friendships as far as the adults are concerned. Kids can figure out their social issues on their own.
Alternatively, it's his last year in middle school and the VP assured us that they're viewing this as a one time event where he made a bad decision and it won't impact the way he's viewed or treated going forward... so we can just continue to have discussions with him and help him get through the social issues that have come along with it (this girl and his best friend are now mad at him and not talking to him even though they're both aware he didn't spread the rumor. the younger kids seem insulated from it completely so that should be fine, but who knows) and just let the whole thing slide. The kids will likely recover quickly as some new bit of drama unfolds in the coming days or weeks and it'll probably be like nothing ever happened fairly soon. Lessons learned, move on.
